the body dysmorphia of it all
it's crazy to believe it's already been a year since i found out i was pregnant. it was near the end of last october when i took my first pregnancy test and we saw the very faint blue line that meant yup, you're pregnant! it was so faint, i thought it was a no. even though we had planned for it to happen, i still felt like, no. no way. this isn't how my life is supposed to go.
you might be wondering: why did i plan to get pregnant then? unlike some people, the urge and desire to be a mother was never a life goal for me. i was staunchly anti-children my entire twenties and it wasn't until about 29 when i thought, eh, if it happened, i could do it. i like kids, i just wasn't sure i would have any. i was terrified of being anything like my own mother and i didn't really want the responsibility of it all.
so, even when i wasn't so anti-kids as i started aging into my 30s, i was still on the fence about it. i wasn't sure! it was a huge commitment, it scared the shit out of me, and i absolutely did not want to actually be pregnant. but i knew if we wanted kids, the only way it was happening was if i bit the bullet and carried a baby.
one of the absolute hardest parts about it, that i knew would be difficult for me, is the body dysmorphia of it all. my therapist tried to convince me that i wouldn't care what i looked like once my baby was here, but i knew she was wrong. body dysmorphia doesn't go away overnight. mine has only been exacerbated.
i've cried more times than i can count when i look in the mirror and see this postpartum gut. i have lost most of my pregnancy weight by now, but these last 12 pounds refuse to budge. the scale will not go down! counting calories makes me ill and sets off my postpartum acid reflux, so i've simply given up on any of that. i try to remind myself i need to focus on healing. i've focused on getting my steps.
it took nine months to grow and create and birth a literal human life. i think i should be able to give my body at least nine more months to adjust and get back to normal. my body did this insane thing! i wish i could look at myself and feel strong and confident for growing this healthy baby, but instead i beat myself up for not looking as skinny as all the celebs and momfluencers look just a few weeks postpartum. but it's just not what i look like and it's not my reality.
maybe one day.